A bargain with

 God.

...No, I'm not drunk. I have.. diarrhea.

Ok I slipped up, I had a couple. Maybe three. Four, tops... Each hour. I was there for *counts fingers slowly... plays mini chopstick game* 5 hours? We waited 3 hours for Margaret to come?? She was always the latest to work. But I'm SORRY God, it won't happen again. I just... need to make it to the toilet.

*Slumps against invisible door as wave of nausea hits*

Ooooooh. I can do this. I can hold it in. Mmmmm
There's a churning in my head
and it's turning into lead
It's name is hurricane Sandy,
and down in the south
with a big black mouth
comes the hurricane Harvey

*Jiggles keys, drops keys, pick em up, open door, shuffles to the chair*
Jesus Christ. Ok, I promise, promise, that if I survive through this, I'll stop using your name in vain. Your name will be the holiest name ever and it shan't ever be spoken. It will be right up there with what's-his-name, who's-his-name, he-who-shall-not-be-named VOLDEMORT! I promise to be as holy as can be, In fact, if you let me make it to the toilet, I'll bless some water and then gargle it. Just.. let me make it.

*Drops down on all fours as 2nd wave of nausea hits*
Ooooooh, mmmmm. Almost there.
(singing to the tune of turn it off) I'm so close to this cu-bi-cle
It's just so in-cre-di-ble
Oh lord, won't you give me a hand
A push in this direction
To avoid desecration
Oh lord, I know it will.. Be.. Grand.

*Collapses on the toilet, shitting sounds begin*
I promise never to eat and drink so much again. I promise to be a better man. I need to be a better man. Let me live, let my sphincter live, and I promise to be a good man. I'll follow the 10 commandments! I promise to have you as the only god. I promise not to kill. I promise... not to... commit adultery. I promise... I'll learn the 10 commandments. Then I'll follow all of them. This I swear... oooh
*more sounds*

*Break, then retch, then fall onto a metal bucket.*

*Sit in the middle, laugh*
Aaaand we are seeing the full fury of Hurricane Harvey. It's going well into the evening hours and into tomorrow morning, where we can see sustained winds going to 200 km/p/h. I won't lie ladies and gents, this storm does not look pretty and we are only just looking at the beginning.
What's that in the north? Looks like Hurricane Sandy is hitting land like a rock wall. The tide has risen and the water deposits are just being flung willy-nilly onto the poor citizens. I can't imagine having being caught in the middle of two hurricanes. No...

*Sits back down on the toilet, shitting sounds resume*
Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come. Your will be done, on earth as in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us. Lead us not to temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

*Tapers off into empty farts.. Stands up wobbly.. needs to vomit, can't find bucket, vomits in toilet*

*doorbell rings*

*Raise head from toilet with face having streaks of brown*

Published on
5/15/19 7:25 PM

I liked poop jokes I guess. Don't judge

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