Anxieties

 I'm afraid.


I'm afraid of dying.

I'm afraid of drowning. Of trying to breathe, but asphyxiated with nothingness, gasping for air and having something foreign rushing in to fill the lungs.

I'm afraid of losing the ability to move. Of waking up in the morning, trying to turn over and suddenly failing. I'm scared that one day the only way I can shower is climbing into the tub and laying there as the water dribbles down from far far away. I'm worried of needing to limp for the rest of my life. Of never leaving pain behind.

Sometimes pain is with us so long that when it goes, we miss it.

I'm afraid of losing my intellect. Of the slow decline into madness and forgetfulness as a disease festers in my brain and refuses me clarity. It's not the insanity that I fear. Life is one big madness. I fear the inability to do anything as I slowly lose my consciousness, as my thoughts become so jumbled that I can't put any logic together. So much that I can't even string a coherent thought together. Such that when I leave my house to go to the grocery store, I may find myself standing in the corner with the knowledge that I need to go somewhere, but not knowing where.

I'm so afraid of losing myself. There's so much to lose.

And of course, I'm afraid I'm socially awkward. I'm anxious when I meet strangers. I fear that everyone's judging everything I say. I worry that I'm not funny. Not relevant. Unable to connect. I fear the look of unknowing in other people's eyes. The look they give when they have no idea what I'm saying. As though I'd lost my mind. And I'm afraid that it's the beginning of a decline. I'm scared that when I reach out, people withdraw. I fear rejection. I'm afraid of being different, too different. I'm afraid of having no place to go. I fear the lack of purpose. I worry that I'll never find my path. What I was meant to do. I'm afraid of having no choice. I'm afraid that I'm too feminine for a male. I worry that girls will not want me. I'm afraid that I'm not enough. I'm so afraid that perhaps this, this is just not enough. I'm scared that one day I will wake up and be unable to express this constant churn in my head. I'm so afraid that this constant churn will drive me crazy.

Mostly, I'm afraid of the degradation of life. I don't fear death so much as detest it. I'm afraid of dying.

Of never having lived.

Published on
2/21/19 7:59 AM

All I want to do is

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