Dying twice

 It seized me

from the inside

and the outside

my whole body trembling

lines were added

and then more

between 

this world and the next

breath made no sense

the air

was within and without

I was lost

so it seized me

and I allowed it

I fell backwards 

with a sigh

eyes open or shut?

something kissed me

and emptied me 

of my breath

of everything

the lines flooded in

to form a ladder

into infinity

of which I was at the bottom

gazing up

yearning

then a powerful presence on top

suffocating, milking, birthing

and then I was left wanting

staring through the cages at children

trapped in pipes

The message was clear; not enough effort to unlock my childhood

~

I wanted another

~

It seized me again

I didn't allow it

Held my ground

held my breath

within

and stared down the goblin

it refused to budge

neither did I

My shaman was whispering

good, good

what did good mean

did it matter?

I am here

and I fight for my breath

until the goblin wavered

his red eyes glinting

shimmered

and got sucked away

like the rest of me

as I shot forward

and fell back

It was beautiful

colors, geometry, sounds

I was enthralled

The mosaics expanded

triangular

my muscles engaged,

senses alive,

I was entertained

at the Carnaval

I wanted to stay

like this forever

I could stay 

forever

then I was ushered towards the exit

and held there

it was the end

but it wasn't

the jester didn't want me to see him

but I insisted

I was held there

and I stayed

the Clown never leaves

Finally the tent flaps parted

and I was backstage

an empty tent

with calmer, wide colors

that spoke of eternity

and we whispered

of now, of then, of the Clown

indistinguishable

mysteriously

I understood

without hearing

I listened

attentively

And when the conversation was done

I was poured gently back into my body

bit by bit

on the waves of eternity

flowing

on the music unheard

I had gotten what I came for

Deeply happy, deeply relieved, deeply touched, deeply grateful

~

Finland didn't let me go for another week

Published on
8/12/21 10:30 AM

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