The annoying colleague

 You know, the guy who chews loudly and smacks his lips because 'I will taste this food how I like'. And then burps 'to show the chef that he did good' even though said chef is taking a leak in the bathroom and toying with the idea of taking some of that leak and pouring it into the ramen for this guy.


WOW how about you eat your food quietly like the rest of us god-fearing humans huh? How about you chew your food with your mouth closed, and swallow it slowly so the air doesn't go down your esophagus and so you don't need to burp? Actually no, swallow it quick. Real quick, atta boy, just like that. Now CHOKE.

Same guy, different day. Stretches out and knocks your water bottle over and barely flashes you a sheepish grin. Oh wait, it wasn't a grin. Nor was it sheepish. It was an annoyed look. A look that says 'Your WATER BOTTLE was in the WAY of MY stretch'. He continues stretching, so that his shirt rides up all the way north. You see his lower belly hair, his belly button - with lint in all their glory, his stomach and all the red creases from being hunched over all day. And then he turns around and says 'Want me to pick that up?' in a highly suggestive manner. In a manner that suggests 'Say no.'

BUT of COURSE I say 'Yes'. Pick up the water bottle you dipshit. Knock yourself out and pick it up. Pick it up and knock yourself out. On the edge of the table. I hope the stapler and the scissors find their way out of the cup and onto your belly. Repeatedly.

Now highly annoyed, he bends over and grasps feebly for the water bottle, which has now rolled into a crevice that nobody has ever seen before. He stretches, so that the back of his shirt now rises up too. The first thing you see is his BUTTCRACK.

That's it. That's enough.

OMG TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT. Buy a freaking pin and pin it to the inside of your trousers. Or strap it to your socks. I don't care, just NEVER show skin that doesn't need to be shown in public. NOBODY greets other people with their asshole. We're not DOGS. Even though DOGS are better than us. I would take a dog over you any day. I would hire a dog to do data entry for me. He wouldn't knock over my water bottle, and even if he did, he would fetch it for me. Imagine his delight when he finds out he's paid in bones. It's a win-win.

In my dreams, I sometimes plug that buttcrack with my scissors.

Published on
4/5/19 10:35 AM

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